Thursday, August 13, 2009

Thoughts 'n' Stuff

I suffer from an anxiety disorder, and chronic depression . . .

. . . today I am freakin' out a bit. I am havin' one of those moments where I want everything and nothing at the same time.

I have all these thoughts that overwhelm my brain. Random thoughts that can not be put in logical order. They range from, wondering about taking care of my parents when they are old and need extra care, to wondering about how to plan a funeral, how I am going to pay my next bill, who my kids new school teachers are gonna be, what will I do if my kids get bullied, I hope my sister doesn't blame me if anything goes wrong at her wedding, where are my black workout pants?!! I have a lot of laundry to do, but for my constant feeling of a lack of having any clothes why is it so hard to find a place to put all this laundry!? I hope we don't get into a car accident this winter, I would really like to be able to afford good winter tires not just "winter rated all seasons" *rolling eyes* should I get a puppy to keep Tucker company, but what if I get a part time job will my dogs be lonely? Will I be too tired to spend quality time with my kids . . . the thoughts just keep coming and they all need an answer immediatley , so my brain thinks.

Not to mention all the projects and ideas and to do lists in my head that keep me so distracted I don't even know where to begin so I sit there and do nothing cuz I am too stressed about where to start, then the longer I sit with my thoughts the worse I feel, until I am too scared to get up cuz I feel like my next move would not be constructive

and all that gets so much worse when I am hormonal and have my period which brings me to my state today.

I should go to the gym, I know I will feel a bit better if I do. But I really need a break from my kids and I would rather spend a luxurious hour away from them doing anything else but sweating and feelin' like crap in the gym today . . .

which leads to another thought. I have this coupon for a one month pass to a local gym, that I am not a member at. BUT I am wondering if I could find someone who would want it and that I know and trust and would be willing to babysit my kids for it.

Yeah that's right I am contemplating paying a babysitter in coupons!

. . . and the date with my hubby would be paid for with coupons, we both probably have enough reward points to get free movie vouchers, and we have a coupon for a 2 for 1 dinner entree at our favorite Japanese grill.

I just need a break and some peace and quiet . . . I want to be alone but I don't want to be lonely.

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